Reality CHeck

I was wondering thru my Friendster's Blog today because I wanted to get some photos from the photo album I used to have at the blog, but its not there anymore. Ntah mana hilangnya album tu dah tak de kat new version of friendster Blog tu...

As I was reading thru, he..he... kisah kisah lama yang sangat memorable dari zaman UnderGrad , HuReS, kisah dgn "A" ( bukan nama sebenar) and all the stupid stuff smua. he..he....

The following story was one of them. It was waaaaaay back in 2006. Masa tu I just got the Savvy since My Dad sold of the Kancil ( Kanch) me and my bro used to drive and I was in my first semester of pursuing my MBA. Anyway, I'd like to share the story here.( I copied this fresh dari my friendster blog he..he...)

August 18, 2006, 6:24 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

“ Kakak… Kakak ni cacat ke?”

I was stunned to hear the question. Still, the boy kept asking…I was stunned, shocked till I cannot find either the answer or even any emotion. it felt like my heart stops beating….

“Kakak ni cacat ke? Tuuu…mulut senget tuu, cacat laaa….”

The boy smiled cynically. I kept quiet with goosebumps all over from head to toe. People around me kept quiet and just stare. I wish, I totally wish that I can snap my fingers and disappear… I couldn’t remember what came out my mouth, but I think I just gave him a smile while I walked away from that particular place. I was numb…wasn’t sure whether I am humiliated by that question, humiliated? I dunno.. what the boy said was true…Still stunned by the question, it felt as if I was hit by a truck or being strike by lightning…

For a moment, I felt like so tiny and low, my self esteem dropped down to zero…I really made an effort to be there ( at that particular place which I think its not appropriate to mention here, hati orang kena jaga beb….) Tiba-tiba rasa sebak, air mata pun dah bergenang, kalau tak tahan, mau meleleh air mata… But I did well in hiding the emotions and just pretended like nothing had happen. I tried my best not to bump into the boy, the least I could do is to avoid him.

Well, he is just a boy, he is curious because I looked so so so different from others. Who could blame him.. But the impact is on me.. All this while, I forgot about my looks, I forgot about my so called senget mouth, the nose…oh ya, the eyes tooo… it is not a big deal for me ( he..he.. ye ke not a big deal ?…boleh buat lawak pulak…he..he..)Well, I accept my face as it is. It’s a gift from Allah. At least I have two eyes and my sight is not that bad, my nose can smell, and my mouth is just fine, I am not dumb , mute or deaf… I “fight’ with my mom ever since I could talk..he..he…People can ask me to forget about it , ala… masuk telinga kanan keluar telinga kiri… Yeah, I am strong enough to do that…so strong that I just couldn’t take it anymore. If a boy of that age, around 7 to 8 years can have that in mind, what more could others adult thinks.Yeah, they didn’t say it out loud, but inside..? “ Kesian, budak tu… muka dia senget…” Goshhh…I couldn’t say much, mulut orang, hati orang, its uncontrollable.. So what should I do then, stop meeting people? He..he.. no lah, I cannot do that, life goes on..

For once, I am glad that my mom or dad didn’t hear it because it would hurt them more. But I did told my mom at the point where I couldn’t take it anymore. A few tears slip off my eyes. But it wasn’t for long coz my mom was pretty busy helping with that particular event at that time. So, for the first time, Savvy was there to comfort me.

( I did called up someone and cried a little bit he..he..) after the phone call, I cried again, I pity my self, my conditions,( yes, I pity myself…my parents coz I am not pretty like other girls) I suddenly forgot about my other achievements which I always use as self fulfilling prophecy ( ewah… ni dah masuk OB( Organizational Behaviour) ni…he..he..) Yeah, I shouldn’t take that boy’s words seriously as what others told me, but it just hit the button. Anyway, others doesn’t know how it feels to carry this face around, how I feel when people look or stared at me, but I think I did well for the past 26 years…Ever since kindergarten, I was friendly to other kids, but they are afraid of me, Still, it is not them to be blame…duhhhh he…he….

Well, Allah has his own way to test us, may be this is one of his way to remind me that I am not Miss World which I think, I realized for now and always.…he…he…So, gotta be careful then. Every step to take must be measured. I’ve cried it all out, so, now, I am taking the reminder with me and …. ( lost of words already…he…he….).. What had happened today or tomorrow will be lining my path of memories. Each word said was crafted in my heart, bukan dendam, but just for keeps. All you gotta do is, put your chin up and keep your head up high.. Move on.. Sedih macam mana pun, nak menangis macam mana pun, sendiri tanggung la, because my face will still be my face, for now, next 10 years, or till I die…he..he…he

p/s: to my face, no offence, I LURRVEEEE you so much especially the chubby cheeks, nyeh..nyeh..nyeh…. wink..wink…

note:Back then, if I am sad like really really really sad with my condition, apart from submitting myself to Allah, I will drive around and sometimes cry in the car at my secret hiding place sumwhere in Shah Alam he..he....

I smiled and laughed at myself after reading this. Good for my monthly reality check he..he....

Hanya Allah yang memahami dan mengerti ........ =),

Insyallah.......... =)